Doesn't he know "black women want your whole self"?! "Why [doesn't] he understand me"?! I don't want him to "go anywhere I ain't "or love anything on earth but me" - is that too much to ask?! He hasn't given me anything but fake love for sex and pleasure. He doesn't know who I am or understand me. He does not truly love me - he left me. Dumped me with a letter that said "thank you"! He thanked me for making him happy?! He's grateful?!
Don't you see? That's why I had to stalk him and try to kill him. He dumped me! He used me! He was the only thing I had in my life that made me feel like I was loved, special, and wanted. When he left me, I realized just how worthless I am. I realized how ugly and unwanted I am. I realized that no man could ever want me, and I shall die alone. Milkman has the same hair as me, but he doesn't like mine. He wants to escape that kind of hair. "He likes silky hair." He likes "curly, wavy, silky hair. He doesn't like mine." That has to be why he left me right? I'm not beautiful enough? Or maybe I'm not white enough. I thought mango tango, sunny glow, and jungle red could fix this. I thought they would make me prettier - and lighter. But they just highlighted my flaws. I saw myself in Pilate and Reba's eyes. They thought I looked foolish, heartbroken, and desperate. Well that's because I am! I just want Milkman to love me! How can he not love his own cousin?! I gave myself to him and he tossed me to the curb like a bag of trash!
But as angry as I was and still am, I couldn't kill him. His face is still so beautiful. The killing attempts are simply an excuse to get close to him and pretend like I hate him for what he did. I do hate him, but even more than that, I just don't want to let him go. I want him to to be mine! I want to scare him, yes, but I could never hurt my baby. I own him. I consume his thoughts and his nightmares, and that was my plan all along. That is what I want. If he doesn't want me, he surely won't forget me.
Every time I hold that knife inches from his body, I own him. I have him wrapped around my finger. He can't do anything but be close to me and hold his breath in my presence. And that is always enough for me.
But Milkman still hates the way I look. He likes "lemon-colored skin" and "penny colored hair." I am right for him, but I hate myself for not being right for him! If he can't see how right I am, then he can't have me. I will leave this world - dead from a broken heart. I will die with the mango tango, sunny glow, and jungle red on my face so maybe God will think I'm beautiful.
~ Hagar
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